


Xander finds out where all the toilet paper went.

by elisi



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-26
Updated: 2009-11-26
Packaged: 2017-10-03 18:41:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elisi/pseuds/elisi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mock!fic written for stoney321's 'Gud Summries ficathon thingummy'.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Xander finds out where all the toilet paper went.

It would be fair to say that Alexander Lavelle Harris didn't like washing dishes. In fact he hated it. But there was no other way for him to pay to get his car fixed, so he gritted his teeth and got on with it. At least the atmosphere was nicer than at home - or at least it had been until someone had started pinching toilet paper. Like _all of it_ every night! The manager of 'The Fabulous Ladies Night Club' was getting more irate by the day, ranting and shouting at them all as he tried to find out who the thief was.

As Xander was putting the last dishes away, he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder, and knowing the feel of that hand, he knew it was the manager. His name was Morris. Morris gave him an conspiratorial glance and said in a very quiet murmur. "Come here Harris."

Xander swallowed and followed warily. This could not be of the good. When he was in Morris's office, Morris looked at him and said. "I've chosen you for a special mission, Harris. Don't let me down!"

"And... what would that be?" Xander asked nervously.

"You're going to camp out in the bathroom tonight! I want to catch that filthy thief once and for all! We know that he strikes at night, but none of the locks are ever broken, so I dunno how he does it. It'll be your job to find out!"

He gave Xander a look heavy with meaning and chewed on the end of his fat burnt-out cigar.

Xander tried to laugh, but couldn't really pull it off. "Why... why me?"

"Don't trust any of the other guys - but you're working to get out of here, so you have a reason to be honest. You screw around with me and I'll have your car impounded."

Xander went pale as a sheet. He nodded and stammered that of course he'd catch whoever was stealing the toilet paper and Morris nodded smugly, before pulling out an old and smelly sleeping bag for Xander to sleep in.

As Xander lay on the uncomfortable bathroom floor many minutes later, surrounded by smelly darkness, he wondered if he could maybe summon Buffy just with the strength of his mind. Actually Buffy was a good topic for thinking about... or maybe Buffy and Faith together...

His chocolate brown eyes were drifting shut, when suddenly out of nowhere there was an abrupt crack that sounded like thunder. Xander's eyes snapped open. The bathroom was covered in bright blue light, coming from what looked like a hole in the middle of the air.

"It must be a portal!" Xander thought to himself as he tried to work out what to do. Then there was a funny sort of rushing sound and toilet paper from all around came flying towards the portal. Even the locked cupboard in the corner strained and strained its doors until they flew open and all the toilet paper Morris had bought that morning came tumbling out, heading straight for the portal.

"OK. This is just weird!" Xander thought to himself, then wondered what would be the best course of action.

"What would Buffy do?" he thought. The answer came loud and clear: 'Buffy would jump through the portal'

The fact that this was high on the insane list - and yet not as ridiculous as a mayor turning into a snake - Xander decided to go with his WWBD impulse. He swiftly pulled on his jeans (which in their pocket contained the very realistic replica gun lighter he'd bought the day before), grabbed the hockey stick he'd been given for knocking-out purposes and jumped.

Three tiny milliseconds later he landed on something hard. Hard and dry. Very dry. He slowly looked around. This place - wherever it was - was extremely flat and full of... something.

He looked down. The ground looked very much like it was made of cardboard. That was very strange. He slowly got up and inspected the nearest pile of something. It turned out to be paper. With a leeelte bit of cardboard too. He moved onto the next pile. Also paper. And the next and the next. He scratched his head and wondered what to do. He started beating one of the piles, scattering paper everywhere, but there was nothing inside, just more paper. He came across a few rolls of toilet paper that looked familiar, but he still had no clue what was going on. Now and again there was a crack and another portal would open, spewing out paper, but it would always close before he could get there. And anyway, he might end up somewhere even worse.

As he wandered further along, he noticed that the piles became more ordered - sorted according to colour and size. "OK Xan-man. What exactly is going on?" he muttered to himself. And then got the shock of his life, as a small voice answered.

"Aye to be sure! That's what I'd loike to know as well!"

"Who's there?" Xander asked, looking around wildly. Then he saw a tiny little man come walking round one of the paper piles - a green one - and if he hadn't had a hockey stick in his hand he'd have rubbed his eyes.

"My name is Patrick O'Brien", said the creature.

"But... but" stammered Xander. "You're a..."

"Yes I'm a leprechaun, what of it?" replied Patrick O'Brien.

"But..." Xander's head was spinning. "I'm no expert on demony stuff, but even I know that leprechauns don't exist!"

The leprechaun looked mightily pissed off and then kicked Xander's shin. "I'll give you 'don't exist'" he grumped.

"Ow!" exclaimed Xander.

There was a moments pause.

Xander looked around and then asked. "So... is there a way out of here?"

"Well I've been here a week and I've not found one yet!" said Patrick and dramatically put a hand over his heart. "Ah... me heart pines for Ireland's green hills..."

"Riiight" said Xander, "I guess you were swallowed by a portal?"

"Aye, that be the case," said the leprechaun. "Oi was jest reading me morning paper, guarding me crock of gold, and then all of a sudden there was a great gust o' wind, and before I knew it I was sittin' here, and no sign of me gold." He sighed sadly.

Xander pondered what to do, when the little man suddenly started to jump up and down excitedly. "Look! Look! A bird!"

Xander turned round and had to do a triple take. A shortish distance away a giant paper bird was flying towards them.

"Now me lad, catch it with yer stick, and maybe we can find a way home!"

When the bird came closer, Xander realised that it was even bigger than he had thought. But climbing onto a wobbly pile of cardboard he managed to collar the bird. Moments later the leprechaun had produced a piece of string from his pocket and tied it around the bird's neck. With a happy cry he sat down on the bird's neck and told Xander to jump on behind him.

"Jump on young fellow - what's yer name by the way? And where do ye hail from? The colonies?"

As the bird took off, Xander explained a little of who he was, even as he tried to keep a lookout for anything other than paper. After having flown for half an hour, he noticed a change below. "Look!" he said. "More birds!"

More paper birds, although smaller than the one they were riding, fluttered about and were building nests in the paper piles. A little later they saw a other animals, all made out of paper and all apparently alive. Then came the paper forest which was full of large paper trees, carefully folded and built up, without any glue or tape, as far as Xander could tell from his elevated position.

Then after a lot more flying and yet more flying, the leprechaun suddenly cried out: "Look!"

And in the distance they could see what looked like a man on a white throne. As they got closer they could see that the throne was indeed made of paper as they had half-suspected. Xander made the bird land some distance away, and they walked up to the man.

The man was small and looked oriental and inscrutable. Like a Japanese business man or something, since he wore a nice grey suit and a black tie. He was sat on the throne and he was very busy folding paper - his hands weaving in and out like little bees. In a few moments he had created an origami cat. He tapped it with a paper wand and it jerked alive, then ran off into the paper forest behind Xander.

"By all the shamrocks of Ireland!" the leprechaun exclaimed and walked up to the Japanese man. The man, who was holding out his hand to the miniature paper elephant that was stood next to the throne, and who was handing him a piece of paper from the pile next to the throne, looked up at the leprechaun and frowned. Then he gave the paper back to the elephant, and looked at Xander who came running up, waving and feeling a bit dumb. "Hi!" he waved. "So - you're the big guy around here, yeah?"

"Ah shut yer trap!" said the leprechaun, and addressed himself to the mysterious Japanese man in a language Xander could not understand. The man however did, and replied at length. Then the leprechaun replied to the man's answer and got another one back.

Then he turned to Xander. "Now me lad, this is how it is... this chap 'ere is Oligami No Senmoka - which roughly translates as 'Origami Expert'. He's a minor sort of deity in this here 'verse. Mostly he just makes stuff out of paper and makes it come alive. Now he's been running out of paper recently, so has started nabbin' it from other dimensions, including ours. Very basic spell mind you, which is why we could get through too, and why it's so undiscriminating as to what it chooses."

"Huh." said Xander. "Well... that's just weird!" He thought for a moment. "Tell him to get me back home and stop stealing the toilet paper. It'll be no good for folding!"

The leprechaun shrugged and relayed the message.

The Origami Expert just shrugged and folded a pretty paper flower, that he tossed on the ground and waved his wand over and then it stood up tall waving its petals about.

"Bastard won't do it!" the leprechaun grumbled and kicked the flower ineffectually. "We'll have to think of a plan!"

"Hey - I know!" said Xander, pulling out his replica gun.

"Brilliant me lad!" said the leprechaun. "We'll shoot him!"

"No no," said Xander, "it's not a real gun - it's a lighter! Get his attention again!"

The leprechaun yelled something to the Origami Guy and Xander waved his gun about. The he pulled the trigger and a little flame leapt up.

"Now tell him that if he doesn't get us back home and stop nicking the toilet paper, I'll burn his whole world to a crisp! OK?"

"Oooh, now that's a clever way of doin' it!" said the leprechaun and translated.

The Origami Expert frowned, them inclined his head a mere fraction and waved his wand at thin air. A portal opened up and showed the bathroom of The Fabulous Ladies Night Club. With a big grin and waving his gun, Xander walked towards it. "And remember - no more toilet paper stealing!"

The leprechaun ran after him. "Let me have a look at that nice gun for a moment" he said, and Xander reluctantly let him.

"Very noice!" the leprechaun said, before putting it into Xander's back pocket. Then he waved a hearty good bye and Xander jumped back through the portal. As he turned to say thank you, he was suddenly bombarded with an avalanche of toilet paper rolls. By the time he was able to see again, the portal had vanished, but the floor was full of toilet paper.

"Well that didn't go too badly!" He said to himself, cheerfully. "And all thanks to my trusty gun!" He put him hand into his pocket, but all that came out was a folded up piece of paper. He stared at it, then unfolded it.

'Sorry me lad', it said on the paper, 'but I pinched yer clever little toy. It'll come in very handy for the family reunion next month. But I promise ye, that if ye ever come to Ireland I'll give ye a gold coin from me crock of gold.  
Patrick O'Brien'

"Damn!" said Xander.

The next morning he was woken by loud exclamations of joy from his boss.

"You did it boy!" he said and hit Xander hard between the shoulder blades. Xander shivered and said, "Can I go get dressed now?"

"Of course! As soon as you've put all the toilet paper away in the cupboards!"

As Xander was carefully piling them all in, he reflected that there was *no* way his life could get any worse.

That was, until two evenings later, when he yet again felt that heavy hand on his shoulder.

"Now Harris." said Morris, "One of the strippers has gotten himself some nasty stomach upset. And I couldn't help but notice the other morning that you're not too badly turned out. Now come with me, and I'll have Juan teach you the routine!"

 

Of the two fantastical occurrences during Xander's 'Trip Across America', he only ever mentioned one to his friends. Partly because he doubted anyone would ever believe him, what with everyone knowing that leprechauns weren't real, and partly because being 'the savior of toilet paper' didn't really sound all that grand.

**The End**


End file.
